my fake boyfriend, or why i should have listened to what my mother always said about telling white lies

for sara

So at some point in their lives, I think that many women have probably lied about having a boyfriend. You’re in an awkward situation, somebody you would rather not have ask you out is asking you out, and you panic. “I already have a boyfriend!” Lie. Oops.

I recently got placed at a temporary job for only three weeks. I was working with a group of guys who thought it was funny to give me a hard time in order to see if they could get a rise out of me. It was all fun and games, until this conversation happened:

Co-worker: “Do you have a boyfriend?”
Me: (responding to what I believed was obviously a joke) “That’s just ridiculous. You are clearly too old for me, and I’ve already heard you talk about your wife.”
Co-worker: “Ha. Ha. It’s not for me; it’s for my son.”
Insert the previously mentioned moment of panic…
Me: “Ummmm…yes. Yes I do have a boyfriend.”

Lie.

I didn’t think much about it at first. It was actually kind of funny. My fake boyfriend. However, even in such a small amount of time at this job, my friendships with my co-workers actually started to become genuine. We started to ask questions about each other’s lives- families, friends, weekend plans- and inevitably, the questions about my boyfriend came up. You know, my boyfriend who wasn’t real. The guilt started to creep in.
I swear it was harmless! I didn’t mean it! I just said it, before I even knew what I was saying! No matter what the reason for telling it, this seemingly harmless little fib was now obstructing genuine relationships. Just because I was trying to avoid a little awkwardness. I found myself wishing that I hadn’t underestimated how genuine these people would be in their attempts to get to know me. I was sad that I hadn’t been more genuine in my attempts toward them.

I knew what I had to do.

Yes, I broke up with my fake boyfriend.

Thank you in advance for your deepest sympathies. Thankfully, it was a clean break, mutual, and the best for all involved.

Consolation gifts and chocolates will be accepted.

While we’re on the subject, the guys I work with are now convinced that the reason I’m not dating is that I don’t hunt or fish. So if anyone is offering lessons, please let me know.