stubborn doubt
April 3, 2008
i’m awake
i’m getting used to being up before the sun
but i’ve never watched the sunrise
i don’t even lift the shade
i can’t see beyond the pictures that won’t stop despite my closed eyes
i am sick
i’m sick with thoughts that won’t be still and won’t be tamed
they don’t come to destined conclusions
they don’t have a path at all
i am sick of voices in my head that don’t make sense inside my heart
and i cry and i pray and i sleep it off
i reason myself well
and i fret and i doubt and i curse the sun
for leaving me by myself
another sunrise is too much to take awake in this dark room
and i’m staring at this cord in my hand
without the courage to pull
shoulda coulda woulda
why didn’t you why can’t you why won’t you
why don’t you how could you
what are you going to do
i can’t i won’t i must i know i have to
but i don’t think that i can
i trust i doubt i’m turned around
i can’t i can’t i can’t i have to
i’m awake
i’m getting used to being up before the sun
but i’ve never watched the sunrise
i’m too scared to lift the shade
i’m still pretending to be sleeping but the sun knows i’m awake
